Light Answering Light
by hoidn
Summary: A fix-it for 'Another Woman'. Because I hate that Sully just walked away at the end.


Notes: I have never written fix-it fic before and I have never written in this fandom before so Cthulhu help us all. This has not seen the redemptive eyes of a beta, so any concrit or offers to beta future endeavours will be gratefully received.

The title comes from the novel 'Dreams of Speaking' by Gail Jones. I don't know, I'm just obsessed with light these days.

This story begins at the end of the final scene, where Michaela tells Sully she can't be with him. This is how I would've liked it to have gone. By which I mean, this is what I did so that I could stop making pained animal noises whenever I thought about that scene.

* * *

"I just... I can't be with you right now."

Sully sucked in a breath, icy panic gripping him. It seemed like the whole world dropped out from under his feet at her words.

"Michaela, I never meant to hurt you. Maybe that don't mean much to you right now, but it's the truth. I ain't ever lied to you." He thought he saw something soften in her face and, desperate, kept going. "Pushin' me away won't fix anythin'. Just _talk_ to me. That's all I'm askin'. Please."

She looked at him for a few moments, tears still shining in her eyes. "All right," she said softly. "But not now. I have patients to see and I - I need some time."

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

"Will you come for supper? We can talk after the children go to bed."

"I'll be there."

She looked so small and sad standing in front of him it made him ache. He wanted to reach out and hold her, but he was afraid anything he did would just send her running further. So he watched her walk up the hill and then he turned back and did his best not to think about what his life would be without her in it.

Supper was more quiet than usual. Even Brian, who could usually be counted on to carry the conversation all by himself, was subdued. It was Matthew who finally broke the silence. "Well, I got an early start tomorrow, so I'm gonna turn in. G'night everybody."

As the door swung shut behind him, Michaela rose and began clearing the plates. Colleen stood and took them from her. "It's okay, Dr Mike. Me and Brian'll clean up." Colleen glanced at Sully and offered him a small smile.

He passed Colleen his plate and cup with a nod of thanks, watching from the corner of his eye as Michaela pulled a shawl around her shoulders and stepped outside. He followed, as he always had. As he always would, if she let him.

It was a clear night, not too cold, and the moon was almost full. Michaela stood at the railing looking out into the darkness and he wanted more than anything for her to turn to him and smile the way she had only a few days ago.

He walked to her side and leaned his elbows on the railing, looking up at her. Her arms were wrapped around herself like she was cold. Or like she was trying to keep herself from falling apart.

"I'm sorry," he said after a time.

She glanced at him and gave him a brief, crooked smile. "I know."

"But that ain't enough."

She sighed. "It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

She shook her head, looking lost. Sully stood up and turned to face her, covering one of her hands with his.

An idea had come to him during the course of the afternoon and once it was in his head he couldn't shake it. It had settled in his heart like a sickness, like a poison spreading slowly but surely from a wound. It was hard, but he made himself say, "If you changed your mind - if your feelings've changed, you can tell me."

Her small hand turned in his. "Oh, Sully, no. My feelings haven't changed."

Relief poured through him, making him lightheaded. He took her shoulders gently and turned her towards him. "Then what?"

"I'm afraid," she whispered.

"Of me?"

"No! No, not of you. Not exactly." She looked off into the darkness. "I don't know how to explain it."

"I want to understand. I want things to be like they used to. You used to like spendin' time with me. Now it seems like you don't."

"Sully, I love spending time with you. It's just..."

"Just what?" The uncertainty on her face broke his heart. "You know you can tell me anythin'."

"I know. But it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings."

"Me neither." His thumbs stroked back and forth over her shoulders, just needing the feel of her under his hands. He could never seem to stop touching her, not since the beginning. Touching her now seemed as necessary to him as breathing.

She smiled up at him. "That's one thing we have in common."

"There's others, too."

"Are there?" Her eyes searched his but before he could respond she went on, quickly, "Seeing you and Catherine together, it made me realise that there are so many things you and I don't share. You're both so alike, you've had so many of the same experiences that I can never-" Her voice broke and she turned her face away.

"Hey." He touched her chin to make her look at him again. "Did you ever think that maybe I love you because of the ways we're not the same?"

Under his hands, her shoulders shrugged slightly. "That's what Dorothy said."

"Dorothy's a wise lady." Taking a deep breath, he tried to find the words to convince her. "I've never known anyone like you before. There's a light inside you that reaches out to people. I've never seen anyone care for people the way you do. I don't mean just doctorin', I mean everythin'. You'd take care of the whole world if you could."

"Maybe not the whole world," she said with a half smile.

"Just most of it," he said.

Her smile fell and she looked sad again. "Sully, what if loving each other is just too difficult?"

"Is that what you're afraid of?"

Instead of answering, she reached up and took one of his hands, cradling it between both of her own. She turned it over and traced the lines on his palm as if there were some meaning there. Every touch sparked along his skin like flame.

"Do you know," she began, "that the first time Brian hugged me, I simply froze? He was a little boy who'd just lost his mother, who needed comfort, and I didn't know what to do. Isn't that awful?"

She was still concentrating on his hand and Sully was unsure if he should say anything or not. After a moment she went on.

"I wasn't used to touching anyone outside the context of my work. And I certainly wasn't used to being touched." Finally she looked up at him. "My family was never really affectionate. After Rebecca got married and moved away when I was 10, there was no one who cuddled me or held me, not even my father. As I grew older, I was made very aware that physical affection of any sort was unseemly and not something that proper young ladies engaged in. By then it wasn't something that mattered very much to me because I was so involved with my studies. In fact it wasn't until I came to Colorado Springs that I understood that something had been lacking in my life."

"But you're good with the kids now."

"It was a long learning experience." She smiled ruefully. "I'm still learning."

He slid his hand from her grasp and bent to look at her fully. "You and me, we're learnin' too."

"Sully, you make me feel so much it's overwhelming. I - I panic and push you away. I know I've hurt you and I'm so sorry for that. It's the very last thing I want to do but I can't seem to help it."

She was on the verge of tears now, he could see. He cupped her cheek gently, the sweet, pure curve of it fitting like it had been made for his hand.

"I know what it's like to be afraid," he said. "I've been afraid too. You made me feel things I didn't want to feel. I tried to run from 'em, but I kept comin' back 'cause I couldn't stay away. I can't stay away. You changed everythin', Michaela."

"You've changed everything for me, too."

The soft way she was looking at him made his heart race. He wanted to kiss her so badly it took his breath away. But nothing would be solved by kissing, he told himself. At least not yet.

"What you said this afternoon, about not bein' with me. Do you still feel that way?"

"No. I'm sorry I said that."

He took both of her hands in his, lacing their fingers together. "So what do we do now?"

"I suppose, like you said, we keep learning. I promise that I'll try to be more spontaneous and have more time for you. In return I need you to understand that I need order and routine in my life. It's important for my work but it's also important because structure makes me feel... safe, I suppose. Just like you need time to go off and be by yourself, I need time to put things in order and make plans and - and check the plans I've already made." She laughed and shook her head. "I know it sounds silly."

"No, it doesn't. It makes sense. I just never thought about it like that before." He lifted one of her hands and kissed it. "I promise I'll try, too. I don't ever want to do anything to make you not feel safe."

Her smile was sweet and open. "You do make me feel safe. You always have."

"Then why do you keep pullin' away when I try to kiss you?" She looked down and moved to withdraw from his grasp, but he held on. "We need to talk about this," he said.

"I know," she whispered. "It's just that I'm ashamed."

"Why?" he asked, stunned.

"Because I'm a grown woman who's too nervous to kiss the man she loves, just as you said."

"Can't you tell me why? Is it something I did?"

"No, it's not you."

"Did somethin' happen when you were engaged before?"

"No, nothing like that. But it was a long time ago and with David it wasn't so - I mean, he didn't -" she broke off, the blush on her cheeks apparent even in the dim light. "It was just different."

"Different?"

"I didn't feel so... so _much_."

For a moment he was at a loss to understand what she was telling him. He could see how hard it was for her, saying these things, but it just wasn't making any sense. And then the words _physical affection_ came back to him. She'd said she wasn't used to touching or being touched, that with David it had been _different_. And suddenly it did make sense: she wasn't talking about love. She was taking about passion. Desire.

A wave of tenderness passed over him so strong it almost hurt. He'd never known anyone who knew so much about so many things in books but so little about life. She was smart and brave and talented, but she was more vulnerable than she liked to let on. Sully felt like a fool for not having seen it before.

"C'mere," he said, putting his arms around her and resting his cheek against her hair. "Is this okay?"

"Yes," she sighed as her arms wove around his waist. "I love this."

Pulling back, he lifted her chin and kissed her softly, just the barest touch of his lips. "And is this okay?"

Her lips parted and she nodded, her gaze falling to his mouth.

He swallowed against the sudden dryness in his throat. "That's good," he said and kissed her again. They were short, delicate kisses, brief and tantalising. When she started to kiss him back, when the press of her lips was meeting his own, he took her bottom lip between both of his and sucked lightly.

She let out a shaky breath and her hands tightened on his back.

"And this?" he whispered against her mouth.

She made a tiny sound in her throat and rose up on her toes, kissing him. Everything about her was warm and soft and he was helpless against the feel of her.

They kissed for long minutes, until his heart was pounding and she was trembling in his arms. He broke away from her mouth to trail kisses across her cheek and jaw, to the unbelievably soft place behind her ear.

"I love you," he told her.

"I love you, too."

"We'll take it real slow," he promised. "As slow as you need."

She laid her head against his shoulder and they stood that way for a while, his hands sifting through the silky strands of her hair. He was filled with a peace and a contentment he hadn't known in a very long time.

Looking up, he saw that the moon had moved a ways across the sky since they'd first come outside and the air had gotten colder.

"I should go," he said and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He let go of her reluctantly, the night air rushing in where her warmth had been.

She met his eyes. "You said before that there's a light in me," she said, placing a hand over his heart. "There's a light in you, too, Sully."

In that moment he wanted so many things: to kiss her, to stay with her, to never leave. Instead he stepped back and took the first step off the porch. "Good night."

She smiled. "Good night."

He took the second step. "Sweet dreams."

Her smile widened. "You too."

He took the third step and grinned. "Oh, they will be."

Her laughter followed him into the night.

* * *

More notes: After writing most of this, I remembered that Sully did tell Michaela that there was light in her in 'The Man in the Moon'. That might have been where I got the idea. Also I completely refute the idea that came out of Dorothy and Michaela's conversation in 'Return Engagement', namely that David makes her feel the same way as Sully does. In the words of Cher Horowitz: _as if_.


End file.
